Holding On and Letting Go

 

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A gift from John

Last night, I attended a Casting Crown concert.  The music was beautiful and I’m sure the songs spoke to many people.

One of their songs, “Just Be Held” caught my attention and made me rejoice and cry.  I so long for that!  To be held; physically and emotionally until death do us part.  I haven’t come anywhere near to it.  I’m pretty sure dating has to come first.  (I’m smiling)!  I do miss the physical contact with a man.  I miss being two halves that make a whole.  I miss sharing quiet moments and laughter.  I miss cooking together and doing the thousands of tiny little things that come with marriage.

That being said, I believe that God has my second husband out there somewhere molding him to be with me just as He is molding my life to be with him.   I’m not a very patient person and the time that it is taking God to place us together is hard and passing so slowly.  I think that I’m ready now.  However, I guess God knows that I’m not.

As a child I lived with insecurity.  Not in love or in an unsafe manner, but my parents were always moving us around and I never knew how long I’d be at a school or living in a home before we’d move again.  They had their reasons and I can’t condemn their life, but I was always the new kid at school.

The longest I ever went to one school was high school.  I managed to complete my Junior and Senior year at one place.  That’s where I met John.  God put me in the perfect place to meet my future husband; His timing.  I was sixteen.

John and I started off as friends.  He told me much later, God whispered to him when he met me, that I was going to be his wife.  Well, let me tell you, God told me no such thing.  I befriended John because Mercer, our drama teacher, put us together as drama siblings.  It didn’t take long for him to become one of my best friends.  My mom, managed the movie theater in the mall, and she hired John as an usher.  Now, not only did we go to school together, we worked at the same place.  (Which incidentally is where I met one of my oldest friends, Arlene).

I fell in love with John so slowly that for a while, I didn’t even know it was that special love.  He became my all and eventually, through some heartache, we decided to change our relationship from friends to friends dating.  I was seventeen.  Heck, it took him three weeks after we started dating to kiss me.  I’m smiling at the memory.

John was the most secure person, I’ve ever known.  He was secure in who he was and didn’t care what people thought of him.  His opinion of himself was the one that mattered.  After I met his family, I knew why.  His dad was the same way and his mom was very open and loving.  Both his parents were easy to talk with and his dad had the best sense of humor.  If you needed something, they had no hesitation giving it to you.  His dad had gotten out of the military and went to work at the same place as his dad.  Humble Oil…(Exxon).

I don’t think John ever had an insecure day in his life.  Except maybe that day when he was pretty young.   He was riding by the door in the car and it opened!  He fell out and held on to the door handle with his sister trying to hold on to him.  Good news…He survived with a funny story to tell!

In all the years that we were married, I never felt insecure.  I never worried that we were going to have a fight that ended in divorce.  I never worried that he wouldn’t be faithful to me.  I never worried as I’d gain and lose weight that he wouldn’t find me attractive.  I never had to worry about financial insecurity.  We made money stretch even though it was tight.  His parents helped when we both went back to school after Cameron was born.

Yes, nothing like being married ten years and deciding to go to school with a toddler in tow.  For him, it was changing careers.  For me it was getting my degree to teach.  I’m sure Cameron was the deciding factor for finding a job with better wages and better hours, so he could be that secure dad for Cam.  While we had help, he encouraged me to go to college and fulfill my desire to be a teacher.

We sold our house and moved in with his parents for a year.  After his grandparents house became available, we moved into it and lived there from the time Cam was three to ten.  There were so many special memories tied to that house; from his time as a child through our years of marriage.  I still drive by occasionally and look at it.

With degrees and secure jobs, we decided to look for our own home again.  It wouldn’t be long before Cameron would be out of Hudson Pep and we wanted to be in Hallsville School District.  The first house we looked at, we fell in love with.  It had a large yard, a small kitchen, built-in shelves, and four bedrooms; Perfect!  In a bit over seven weeks, it was ours.  The first night we got the key, we painted the ceiling in our bedroom.  Arlene came over to help and it stormed.  We lost electricity. and we sat in the living room, looking out the sliding glass doors, and simply talked and laughed.

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Our home
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One of my favorite places

There were so many ordinary, lovely days as a family here.  We had birthday parties, Christmases, Thanksgivings, lots of laughter and some tears.  Cam and I lived with John seven years here before he died.  I’ve now lived here longer without him than I did with him.  

All in all, the house has been my secure place.  My sanctuary and my reminder that I was loved.  The place where I open windows and hear birds singing while I type or lie in the hammock and watch the trees sway and listen to insects chirp. 

It’s time to let it go.  I can’t keep up with bills and selling it will take that burden from my shoulders.  With that unburdening also comes insecurity.  At this point, I have no idea where I’ll live.  Most likely, I’ll simply rent something until I feel that this is the place that God still wants me to be.  I love my job and I love my friends, but I’m being molded and changed.  All those insecurities of my younger life have been washing over me. 

So, last night when I heard the Casting Crown’s song, I felt comforted.

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

So people when I say I’m avoiding,,, It’s not a good thing.  Prod me and make me move.  I need to go forth with these changes.  I’m trying to remember that I’m loved by the One who matters the most.  I’m fighting these insecurities.  I’m trying to accept my new role; Becky, not a homeowner tied to memories of this place, but Becky who is willing to change, to believe that God has a better place for me to be.

When you see me and may ask, ‘How are you doing?” I’ll be smiling because most likely I’m doing great, but please remember to lift me up in prayer because this change is hard.

Love you my friends…

Just be Held     (I’m hoping there’s not an inappropriate commercial on the front of this beautiful video).

By the way… the fern on those trees are called Resurrection Ferns!  A tidbit I learned in Georgia.

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