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Full Moon Rising

I crawl between my cool sheets and pull the coverlet up.  I prop the pillows up behind my head and give myself permission to let my mind drift.  Some thoughts are comforting and some are soul wrenching.  Sometimes they make me smile and sometimes when I think my heart is saddened.

I lie alone in bed and I think…Some thoughts I have..

  • Why am I on one side of the bed?  I have the whole queen sized bed and yet I find myself sleeping on the right hand side.  It’s John side.  I scoot over to the center, shifting my pillows.  There are advantages to sleeping alone.  If I want to sleep diagonally, I can.  There’s not anyone to pull the covers off of me.  I don’t wake up when he is restless.  I don’t have to worry about my snoring bothering him.  I can sleep with the television on all night without concern.  I’d rather sleep on the left with the lights out in a quiet room and be able to move my cold feet to get the heat from his legs.  I’m comfortable, but not comforted.
  • I think about my future.  I wonder if I’ll ever remarry.  Some people make dating look so easy.  I on the other hand, can’t seem to figure it out.  I wonder if there are dating lessons?  My online site for meeting men has been disappointing.  Obviously, only older men are attracted to me.  I have men between the ages of 60 to 72 contacting me.  I’m waiting…someone closer to my age … please contact me!  : )  I long to be treasured, to belong, to be loved, to be part of a pair.
  • I think about friends.  I smile thinking about some of them.  I’m thankful for being a part of their circle and part of their family.  Friends are treasures…precious people that add to my life.  Companionship is so important for the soul.  God instilled the need in our soul for Him and we show His love for others through friendship, service, empathy, love, and connections.
  • I think of my loneliness.  It’s hard not to feel lonely in a home by yourself.  Not necessarily sad, but alone.  There have been some Saturdays where I actually didn’t talk to anyone except my pets.  Sometimes, not having responsibilities are pretty sweet.  I can stay in Pj’s all day.  I can sleep as long as I would like.  Meals are on my own time frame and my choice.  All choices are mine.  However, I miss conversations and quiet companionship.  I miss laughing with someone.  I miss sharing my thoughts and opinions.  I would like to hold a hand, get a hug, cuddle, and share a blanket on the couch.  I would like to share dinner preparation in the kitchen and a meal at the table.  I would like to go to sleep with someone and wake up and know that someone else was with me.  I’d like to ask someone what their plans for the day was.  I’d like to know that there would be someone home when I entered the door or that would be home later.  Instead…I’m on this solo journey for now.
  • I think of my attitude.  Is it pleasing to The Lord?  Do I need to adjust it?  Do I live a life that shows Christ in me?  Do I show that I’m thankful for the life that God has blessed me with?  I feel sometimes I do, but I fear that I don’t live up to His expectations.  I’m ashamed of myself when negativity comes to my mind.  I feel like I’ve let my own self down and God convicts my heart or He sends someone who will hold me accountable.  I’m reminded to find joy in all situations.  Joy is an intentional emotion.  It doesn’t come without searching and reaching out to find it.  Joy doesn’t mean happiness.  It’s a feeling of satisfaction, of moving forward, and feeling contentment.  It’s one of those emotions that is meant to be shared and talked about, but more importantly to be lived.

Thoughts…they seem never-ending when sleep won’t come.  Thankfully, the mind does shut down and sleep does take over.  Dreams…I barely remember mine, although I’m sure I dream.  I wonder if my thoughts take over my dreams?  Do I dream of things I would like to do in the future?  Do I dream of memories of the past?

In all of this . . . the one thing I can be certain of  is that if I listen….really listen for God’s voice… He will direct my path.  It’s His word and His promise.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.                                                Jeremiah 29:11