I woke up early this morning and stood at the bedroom window watching the crisp beautiful autumn weather come to light in my backyard. Long before the light allowed the beauty of the morning to be luminated, I sat propped in bed and heard it in the rustle of the leaves on the trees as the cool wind moved through them. There’s something glorious about the changing seasons. The anticipation of a change of pace with each one.
Halting time seems like a wonderful gift, but imagine being stuck in time at one point in your life. As much as I loved being a mom to a young Cameron, I’d never get to know the wonderful man that Cameron is now. I’d miss all that growing and changing. All those positive moments that my mind tries to hold onto and I’d miss all those challenges that makes us grow as people.
Fall is a season of warm colors that decorate the trees before falling to the ground to cover it in a blanket of brown. I enjoy the oranges and yellows, but I’m not fond of the brown. Have you noticed that the decorative colors of harvest wreaths are mostly yellow and orange, with just a touch of green and brown? I love when the air is crisp and seems to draw you out to enjoy the alluring colors, but then it turns too cold to enjoy being outside too long. I’d like Autumn to stay the bright colors, but stopping time like a picture is not possible.
Yes, I’d like Cam to have that perfect health that didn’t involve issues with kidneys or heart, so that he wouldn’t have to be tied to medicine his entire life. I would change that if I could. I would give him the normal life of his last two high school years and all the years of his college life. I would love to give him his dad to nurture him through his lifetime. To have John to guide Cam to manhood and give him advice how to be a dad and a husband. To be there to celebrate graduations and birthdays.
Yes, I’d like to have John with me in my life. Thinking how different my life would have been now if he was still here almost overwhelms me. My life was so much easier with him in it. I had love, security, and a partner. He’s not here for me to go to for physical comfort or to talk about my day. When I come home, the house isn’t full of him and his activity. No one goes to the grocery store or starts dinner before I get home. Support isn’t here when I’m having a bad day or here to laugh with when I had a fantastic day. I miss his personality and his laughter and conversations. I long to hear his laugh and be held. Instead my greeters are the four legged variety. Now, the worries and decisions are mine alone.
God planned our life lifetimes ago. He knew our every joyous and sad moment before it happened. The challenges we face aren’t a surprise to Him. He has given Cam and myself the strength we needed to live our lives without the husband and dad that we would both have liked to have held onto. He is our strength and our stronghold.
God put people in our lives to help with the challenges that we face and will face in the future. I’m very thankful for that. If I listed all the ways that we’ve been blessed with help for Cam’s health, the list would be long with all the graces that He bestowed upon on us through people’s love. When I look back at the gifts that God blessed me with before John went Home, I am awed. I’m not going to question God’s wisdom because He’s sovereign.
As the ground is covered with the brown carpet from the leaves that were once green, yellow, and orange, I’ll remember time moving forward is positive. I’m stronger for my life without John. It’s not a choice, I’d make, but change forces growth. Just as the seasons move forward, so will I.
I know after the dormant seasons of autumn and winter, the beauty will be replaced with newness and the freshness of spring. I too, am waiting for my season of newness and freshness. Since my life was planned long ago, I’ll wait for the spring to come into my life. I’ll continue to love my Lord and do the best that I can. I know I’ll continue to grow and I’ll try to add blessings to other people’s life as I’ve been blessed.