Purging

My dog, Zoey, has been carrying around a bone for two days without chewing it.  She’ll pick it up and move it from place to place to keep it safe away from the cat or myself.  Which is silly because neither the cat or I want to chew it.  The funny thing about that is she isn’t using it for its true purpose either.  It’s made to be chewed.

Her obsession with that bone made me wonder about the things that I hold on to that aren’t being used for the correct purpose.  I have started down the pathway of letting the past be the past and looking forward to the future.  I’m asking God to help guide me toward the correct purpose of my life, not for me to simply ‘move things around from place to place’ like Zoey does that bone, but to move me forward in the ‘true purpose of His will.’

This summer I started purging items in my house that I could live without.  It felt good to let them go.  I was ready for a fresh start and the cash that I obtained from selling them came in handy.  I started with kitchen items and moved on to other rooms of the house.  I found an online garage sale page and posted a picture and a price.  I was almost giddy with excitement when I found buyers for the items.   You know the saying, “One woman’s junk, another woman’s treasure!”  I can relate because I love to go through junk stores and ‘antique’ stores and I find ‘treasures’ to bring home.  I let go of small appliances, knives, card tables, sheets, sleeping bags, camping cots (like I’m ever going to tent camp again!), and a dresser.  I found myself searching through cabinets and closets to get rid of unused items.

After cleaning some items out of my room, I decided to repaint and rearrange the furniture.  This room had been ‘our’ room and now I wanted it to be just ‘my’ room.  It was time to put the past behind me.

It had taken over four years to move John’s clothes out of our closet and drawers.  I just couldn’t make myself move his things out of the room.  His hats stayed on the bedposts for three years and I hated them there when he first hung them.  Removing his things, in my mind, felt like taking the final step to release him as my husband.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but his clothes were tangible items that tied us together.  Thankfully, Katie, Darlene, and Karen, came and emptied the closet and the drawers because I couldn’t do it on my own.  It’s awesome to have friends for support.

But this summer, I was ready to go the final step and change ‘our’ room into ‘my’ room on my own.  It’s another one of those hurdles that makes a widow feel powerful and independent in a positive way.  It was a healing moment.  It took about a week and ‘my’ room was completed.  A bed with a new view, new curtains, and much less furniture transformed my perspective.  I felt almost like a single person rather than one half of a whole.  There are still small reminders in the room that I know were John’s, but they don’t overwhelm me.  I took down the pictures of us that I had hung in the room to keep him close.  I am becoming a whole person again ready to start anew.

Although the physical items are gone, I’m dealing with my emotions.  Which is partly why I started writing these posts.  I’m laying my life bare in words.  I’m sharing my heart and readying myself for the next step, which for me, is dating.  I’m searching for ‘the person’ that would like to share my heart and life.  I’m not looking for ‘a person’ to fill time with, but the one that the Lord is going to bring into my world, my life, my heart.  I know I don’t need someone to make me happy.  I want us to contribute to one another and enrich each other’s life.  I believe that God has that plan for me.

Trust me when I say that I’m happy.  I am.  I have a job that I love and I fill my time with activities and friends when I need them and a quiet house when I need quiet.  God has given me joy in friendships and He has blessed my life with peace.

I’m smiling here when I say, “Lord.. On the Mark… Get Set…. and GO!”

Hey, don’t give me those silly comments to wait for His timing….I am!