Monday morning started with thunderstorms and rain. Tucked into bed, it was the perfect start to a day off. It was my first time being home in my apartment with thunder rolling in the distance. I love storms and was looking forward to watching the storm from the porch, but it went around us without showing its glorious power.
It stayed overcast until around noon and then the clouds dissipated. The blue skies, breeze, and the warmth drew me outside to sit on the swing and enjoyed the beautiful weather.
Oh wow! The weather warming up is giving me spring fever! On Monday afternoon, it was so beautiful that I opened all the windows and left the door open on the balcony. I watched the curtains puff back and forth with the breeze. Pippin, my cat, sat curled on my bed watching out the windows.
Zoey played with her red rubber ball on the floor, occasionally picking it up in her mouth and shaking it like a rag doll or snoozing on the back of the couch.
I piddled around the kitchen and made cookies from bananas, rolled oats, and chocolate chips. My life seems so uneventful and that’s not a bad thing. The smell of cookies baking takes me back to when a family roamed the house with me. Only now, except for pets, there’s not a lot going on in my household. (I’m going to insert . . . thankfully)!
Cameron and I talk frequently, but he’s making his own decisions and doesn’t need as much input from me. I do appreciate when he asks my opinion and shares what’s going on in his life. However, it’s not the same as being the mom of his youth or college days. Now that he’s living hundreds of miles away, jumping in the car and visiting him on the weekend is out of the question. Thankfully, a phone call is a simple fix when I need a son connection.
Since my dad passed away, my brother and I have been taking time with my mom trying to help her around the house. I understand mom is going through grief. I’ve experienced it and I recognize the emotions and the feeling of being out of control. I remember the sounds I’d hear at night while first staying by myself after Cameron moved away. The denial of the situation of John being gone. The crying and the loneliness. The ache wanting to be held. My mom is experiencing all these and I know it’s normal. I also know that she has to go through these stages and come out on the other side.
Recently, my singles’ class at church dissolved and I’m trying to find where I fit in in a new small group. I’ve been with my single group of people for years and the camaraderie was easy between us. I didn’t worry about whether they liked me. It was easy being myself (good or bad). Searching for a new small group where I feel comfortable and finding a place to serve is taking me out of my comfort zone. These people don’t know me and I’m having to learn them too. I’m visiting mainly a couple class, so there’s not a chance meet too many singles or single men. (Smiling here!)
Single men are out there. I had coffee with a nice one not too long ago, but he was a bit too old for me. I’m waiting for God to place the man I’m suppose to spend the latter part of my life with in partnership. I hope to meet a Godly man like so many of my friends’ husbands and a man after John’s heart. Where to meet one, however, is a different question. So any of my friends out there…feel free to pass my number along. (Big laugh!)
I realized not too long ago that I don’t feel like a widow too often anymore. I feel more just like a single person. There is a difference. I used to feel like I was still John’s wife living without him. Now, I’m just Becky. I’ve had experiences on my own. More of my life now is my history, not our history. That makes me both happy and sad. With John’s death, my life took a different path than the one I was on with him. It’s like starting out toward a destination, secure with the route. On the way, the car spins out of control and drives in an unknown direction. I’ll not end where I envisioned going, with him, but it doesn’t mean it won’t be a place that I’ll eventually enjoy.
Monday ended with my special care group. (Not to be mixed up with my church’s small group because these people are certainly different). The care group that accepts me as I am. The one that holds me accountable (Thanks Sally). The group that prays for Cameron and knows me and my history. The group that isn’t afraid of sharing with one another. The group that is filled with friends that I love.
My life is filled with titles that I am to other people. A couple, wife, mom, sister, teacher, friend, Christian, widow, and single; These titles help identify me and my role in this life. With each title there’s a purpose. The difficultly of re-imagining my life comes when the roles change and expectation of that title changes. My job as a mom has changed many times as Cameron grew. My role as wife ceased to be. It’s that navigation again. What job do I perform now? How do I change that role as time rolls on? I’m sure many can relate.
The winter season is coming to an end. This weekend, I saw Jonquils and a tulip tree blooming, so spring is in the air! A promise of a fresh start. I’m finding my way, looking for a way to fill my time and find my purpose. Somewhere between being a mom, a daughter, a single person, a teacher, and a friend, keeping in mind whose child I am; I’m finding roles to fill. I’m navigating through my life, searching for a destination that brings joy as I journey there.