As a single person, who didn’t choose to be single, I feel like I’m not a priority in anyone’s life. Not in my brothers’ lives, not in any of my friends’ lives. My son lives too far away for me to be a daily priority in his life. I’m a person who pops up on the sidelines. A person who is thought of as almost an after thought or an addendum to their life. No one thinks, “Becky is an important person that I want daily in my life.” I’m like the red shirt guy from the original Star Trek. The red shirts were always the expendable crew. Do you think they had a choice?

Most of the time, I don’t cry about it. I’m not a needed item to anyone’s daily life. I don’t live to exist for them. Today, my brother hurt my feelings. I called to ask what he was doing. I expected him to be at the lake. His family goes often on Memorial Day Weekend. I saw a boat being pulled down my street by a truck and I thought of him.

It didn’t really hurt my feelings that I wasn’t asked to go until he said, “I wish there was more room on the boat for you.” I’m not sure who was on the boat beside his immediate family which is four, but other people were taking up the seats. Summed it up. I’m an extra. He didn’t even think to ask me to go. Immediately, I wanted to cry.

I’m only writing this now because my heart is sad and hurt. I hate feeling like a last choice, someone who doesn’t have a value in their eyes. One of my love languages is words of affirmation. It goes in total contrast with how I’m feeling now.

I have a limited number of friends that I feel like a part of their family. Even then, I’m third or fourth on the list. Following behind grand babies, (which I understand), children, and their boyfriend or husband.

I miss the feeling of belonging to someone that thought of me as being essential to their life. John passed sixteen years ago, and my mom drove me nuts with wanting her to be a priority in my life. The circle is complete. I understand and it’s hard.

How can I solve this? Get married again? I’m not expecting that to happen. I can’t ever expect to be a priority in friends’ lives because that isn’t reasonable. Maybe if I ever become a grandparent myself, I will have priority.

I have friends. Calling them feels desperate today. Maybe another day I will. I have a relationship with my heavenly father and I can pray. Counseling…possibly, if I could afford it. Writing is an outlet. I am pounding out my feelings in these words. I’m going to go outside and do some physical labor cleaning my garage and I AM going to be okay. I’ll take a trip somewhere in the future and I will do something nice for someone. After all, ‘Tomorrow is another day.’